On Plastic Surgery and the Search for Mormon Mommy Perfection

When I gave birth to Laurel, it was no surprise to me that my stomach looked kind of... different, afterwards. I mean, stomachs just don't go from this (that was me about two weeks before Laurel's birth):

To this (which I'm pretty sure is what my abs looked like before I had a kid, right?):

in a matter of weeks--it takes some work, right? What did surprise me, however, was that after losing the baby weight plus a few pounds, doing 5,000 crunches a day, and getting back in shape, my stomach still looked nothing like it had prior to my having a child. My skin was still all stretched out and unshapely, which, although it makes sense logically, still wasn't what I had hoped for. I mean, we've all seen tabloid (and even national "news"!) articles about how "(Insert name of celebrity) got her pre-baby body back! OMG!" And then there's a picture of said celebrity in a tiny bikini, looking better than you looked even BEFORE you had a baby, right?
Somehow, everyone who we hear about on a national level really DID go from huge to super-toned in a matter of months or even weeks. Which is why I think women have a tendency to talk about this sort of thing when we get together--because we're all feeling like we must be the only ones that don't have beautiful tummies again after giving birth, and it's comforting to know that we're actually normal in that way.

Anyway, a few months ago I had such a conversation, at a bridal shower where a large portion of the women had at least one child. Also, most of us were medical students, girlfriends or wives--in other words, most of us were poor but expecting to someday not be. Well, one woman there happened to be a lot closer, time-wise, to an actual salary than the rest of us, and because she was on that end of the medical school journey she had associated with a lot more people who were done with it, aka wives of doctors. She told us that she had been surprised to learn that many of the doctors' wives she had met had gotten tummy tucks after they were done having kids.
For most of the women in the room, the reaction was something like, "Really? What a great idea! I'm totally doing that when my husband's a doctor!" That was my first reaction, as well. I mean, I've dedicated more emotional agony than I care to admit to the state of my postpartum belly, and if you can fix it why wouldn't you? But then, like I always do, I started thinking about it (oops.).

Now just so that no one gets me wrong, I want to say that I am well aware that most people don't consider moral issues in everyday actions to the extent that I do. I don't necessarily expect them to, and I'm not calling you wrong or morally bankrupt if you want to get a tummy tuck. But here's the dilemma:

I feel very strongly that our society puts too much emphasis on physical appearance, and that this is a problem to both or mental and spiritual health. I'm not saying that I disagree with the fact that our country has a huge obesity problem, but I am saying that we focus way too much on weight and appearance outcomes rather than living a healthy lifestyle. I also believe strongly that women are judged and objectified for their appearances in ways that are absolutely morally wrong. I won't go into this in great depth because it's something that I could write pages and pages about, but if you're interested in seeing the video clip that got me really thinking about this issue for the first time, four years ago, watch this: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1993368502337678412 Seriously, this video set me on a path that has changed my life. Watch it.

So what does this have to do with getting a tummy tuck? While there's nothing wrong with wanting to have a flat stomach, I believe that to surgically change our bodies to fit society's idea of beauty is to be personally complicit to the problem. It is saying, "I accept the image of what society says I should be, to the extent that I will pay thousands of dollars in order to fit that image." And if we accept what advertising says we should look like, do we also accept what it says we should be like? If every celebrity and every other woman who had had a baby refused to get a tummy tuck, and instead let everyone know that they accepted their body the way it now was, others would be less likely to feel that their stretched and scarred stomachs were the anomaly.

I think that those of us who are Mormons need to be especially aware of this. Curiously, Salt Lake City, Utah, has been labeled "the vainest city in America" due to its ridiculous number of plastic surgeons per capita. Whenever we visit I am horrified by the billboards for plastic surgery that line the highway there. For example: a picture of a bunch of babies in diapers, all staring at the same point, and the words "Be the envy of your neighborhood". Or a picture of various round fruits lined up in order of size and the words "Why would you want to be an orange when you could be a grapefruit?" Interestingly, Utah also ranks as the highest state for antidepressant use.
When the Puritans first came to the New World seeking religious freedom they were known (as are many protestants) for their strong work ethic, because of which they prospered. It was the belief of the Puritans that certain people had been already chosen to be saved, and while it was impossible for one to know exactly who had and who hadn't been chosen, those who had would clearly be prosperous on this earth. As a result Puritans tended to be hard workers, seeking to show through their labor that they may have been one of those chosen for salvation.
As Mormons, we believe that we can and should become literally perfect. While we don't expect to achieve that perfection on this earth, we know that it is a journey and we seek to better ourselves each day so that we can eventually be ready to reach that goal. The trouble is, only God and we ourselves know our hearts. And while that shouldn't be a problem, in close-knit, homogenous communities such as Utah or early Puritan settlements, people get competitive and have a desire to outwardly show how close to salvation they are. But how do you show off spiritual perfection? For the puritans, it was prosperity. For the hypocrites in Christ's time, it was public prayers and offerings. For some Mormons, I think it has become physical appearance.We need to realize that while the culture that has developed around Utah has certainly been influenced by our religious beliefs, it is not our religion and is not necessarily in keeping with our religion.

So why do I bring this up? Because while I think that few people who will ever read my blog are so far gone as to think that breast implants will make people think they are more righteous, we are all affected to some extent by that image of the perfect Mormon woman, surrounded by perfect children and homemade crafts, her house always immaculate and her blog always updated with details of her perfect life. And if we let ourselves be affected by that image too much we may start to think that that is truly what God expects of us--that doing our makeup is more important than praying, that hand-making our children's clothes is more important than spending time with them just goofing off. It is a small step from believing that our righteousness is defined by the beauty of our home to believing that it is defined by the beauty of our person. The idea that a woman's value is defined by her physical appearance is entirely antithetical to our religion, and it is my belief that we should be fighting it passionately, never condoning it. Such a belief is consistent with pornography, violence towards women, and rampant materialism (seriously people, watch the video), all of which we condemn.

I'm not saying that I am not influenced by this idea, either--it is so prevalent in our society that it is difficult to get away from. And who doesn't want to be beautiful and talented? But whenever I find myself comparing myself to another woman or focusing too much on my saggy-skinned belly, I try to think of 1 Samuel, 16:7-- "But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; . . . for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." 

A tribute to Rebecca and my Mother

A talented obstetrics surgeon told me once that of all the work she has done in life, her favorite work was simply staying at home and watching her two children.

I have thought a lot about her comment. In a world and society where motherhood seems to be synonymous with "not-ambitious", or a "lesser-value job", I honor and respect mothers everywhere. I realize that, while I am lucky to have a wife who both financially is able to stay home, and desires to do so, many women do not have the opportunity. But most mothers--to their credit--do their best to fulfill this essential role.

A tribute to my wife 

Often I come home from work and find Laurel waiting for me at the front window--squealing with delight when she sees me come home. Upon entering the threshold, I always look forwards to my super-big "da-da" hug from Laurel and a kiss from Rebecca. I frequently tell co-workers at the hospital that this is the best part of my day, and it is. Sometimes, I wonder if Rebecca doesn't intentionally place Laurel in the front room around 5pm, just because she knows I enjoy it so much. And this is one reason I love Rebecca--she is thoughtful and kind.

I believe that most good mothers work harder at home with their children than their spouses do at the so-called workplace. I often am called to spend a few hours alone watching Laurel while Becca goes out on errands. I've learned a few priceless lessons from these experiences such as:
 - don't ever assume your 2 year old won't be able to pull the lid off that permanent marker,
 - if you don't stop trying to feed the toddler when she says "no", the food will inevitably end up on the  floor--either before or after passing through her oral cavity,
 - its generally not the best idea to expect pity from your wife after you've had the worst 2 hours of your day with an unhappy child while she is out doing errands
 - never, ever, EVER put a toddler on your shoulders before you check her diaper's built-in fullness indicator
 - I love being a dad
 - and finally, motherhood-ing is tough!

Now I haven't burned the kitchen down, or had diapers fly through the air like cruise-missiles, but I mean it can be real work to watch, care for and be attentive to a 2 year old--all while being patient and loving. But Rebecca does it everyday, and she rarely complains that it would be otherwise. I love her for her commitment to the most important work anyone can ever do.

 The poet Roy Croft wrote in Becca and I's favorite poem:

"I love you because you 

Are helping me to make 

Of the lumber of my life 

Not a tavern But a temple" 

And this is what I shall call the "rebecca effect" on me. I find that when I am away from her for too long, I am less kind, less refined and less happy. But when I spend time with her and choose to unselfishly help her, I become happier and kinder and more patient. I also am very grateful to her for overlooking my many faults and Eeyeore moods. She readily accepts my apologies and forgives me--sometimes before I realize I've been unkind.

My own dear mother

Elder Russell Nelson--a member of the LDS church leadership--was asked many times why he wanted to be a physician. He always replied that in his opinion, motherhood was the greatest calling on earth, but since that role was unavailable to him, he thought he would try to help sick people feel better.

I am so grateful to my mom. My dear mother worked nearly every day of my young life because she wanted so deeply to give her children every opportunity to succeed. For so many years, she has put the happiness of her kids before her own desires. I thank her for never being satisfied with anything less than my absolute best.

Once our family was in Acapulco, Mexico and we were eating at a nice outdoor restaurant. Mom had been reading tourist books about how you shouldn't eat any fresh food in Mexico--it would have chemicals or bacteria on it. So mom tells the waiter "I want your chef salad, but I wasn't sure. . . can I have the type of salad without bugs on it please?"

Said Abraham Lincoln "all i am and ever hope to be, I owe to my angel mother." That is how I feel about my own mom. I love her and honor her always, but especially this weekend.

Life & Gratitude

April was a rough month. The day after Easter all three of us got sick, and we spent the next three weeks coughing, puking, and generally not feeling well. What was worse, we had also spent a good portion of March doing these same activities, AND I've been feeling pretty nauseous for the past 2 1/2 months, anyway. (Everybody knows I'm pregnant, right? Because this would make a lousy announcement.) Thursday of last week I was finally beginning to feel like myself again, and suddenly the flowers were blooming, the sun was shining, and even cleaning didn't seem so bad because at least I felt good enough to do it. It reminded me of something important: how much I have to be grateful for. It's amazing how easy it is to take incredible things like our bodies' abilities to heal themselves and the power of modern medicine (antibiotics are awesome!) for granted. So I've been thinking about how blessed I am a little extra over the past week, and I thought that a few things deserved a blog shout-out.

1. Erik. Last Friday he came home EARLY, and he brought me these:

Apparently he didn't know that just his being home early was enough to completely make my day. Things have been a lot more busy for us since our move to York last summer, mostly due to a new phase of medical school, and we actually have to make effort to spend time together now. It's been hard, and I miss how we used to just be able to cuddle up and chat without him stressing out about studying or getting to bed super early so that he can be at the hospital in the morning. But we make what time we can, and sometimes I just can't believe how lucky I am to be married to him.
I mean, I'm kind of weird. I like to think, and I love that Erik is eager to talk to me about all the crazy stuff I think about, be it history, politics, women's issues, art, technology, or whatever. When Erik and I got married, I honestly didn't realize how much of a feminist I was. I think about my role as a woman and a mother frequently--its relation to history, my religion and eternity, and how I can tailor that role to my unique passions. I love what I do, and I realize more and more that Erik is a huge part of that. Whenever I hear wives complain about their husbands not helping around the house or certain things they say about women, I imagine what I would do to a husband like that and it is not good. I am so grateful that Erik prefers thinking to football (not that football is bad--it's just not what I need in a man) and spending time with me to spending time with gadgets. I have some crazy ideas, and while we don't share quite all of them, I love talking to him about everything. Erik makes me so much better than I would be without him--he challenges me, teaches me, supports me and loves me. AND he's a darned good kisser ;-)

2. This girl.

Every day she makes me smile and laugh--I just adore her. She loves to make her parents happy, whether by being a good and obedient girl, giving us kisses, or playing silly games that she knows make us crack up every time.  She also gives the best hugs in the whole world, whenever we ask for them. Laurel loves to sing and dance, be independent, be naked (no idea where she got that one from...), and explore the outdoors. She is also obsessed with animals, the song "Popcorn popping" (she even does the actions! So cute!), and nipples. Yes, I said nipples. It used to be belly buttons, which I think I preferred. Every time I get out of the shower and put my bra on she says "bye bye!". Yup, that's my little girl! The point is, she's hilarious and sweet and I love being her mom. She's also going to be a wonderful big sister.

3. My health. 

It's amazing how hard it can be just to do the little, everyday things when you're sick, and experiencing that for a month plus has made me extra grateful that I have a body that functions well most of the time. Also, when I was pregnant with Laurel I was so so sick, all day every day. It was hard, and while I definitely felt pretty sick during first trimester of this pregnancy it was nothing compared to Laurel and I am so grateful for that. Now I seem to be over the morning sickness and have even been enjoying cooking again, which is another blessing (my love of cooking is sorely missed during first trimester, especially since I have to eat constantly)! I'm also grateful to live in a time and a place where things like antibiotics are easily accessible--we take these things for granted sometimes, but my history studies always remind me what a miracle they are.

4. My families.

Erik's and mine. There are a million things I could write about how great they are, but I'll just stick with this: for a while Erik had his heart set on a family practice residency in Pittsburgh, and I had just assumed that we would be in PA for a total of 7 years (and don't get me wrong, I LOVE Pennsylvania). When he made the decision to do internal medicine instead Erik started looking at different residencies, two of which are in Oregon and Colorado. I realize, of course, that this doesn't guarantee our moving back West in a year or so, but just the possibility occurring to me brought unexpected tears of joy. That's when I realized just how much I missed being close to family--how grateful I am that we both have families worth missing that much.

5. Everything else. Our little house with its huge back yard, our sweet neighbors, good food on our table, friends, our ward, Springtime, the fetus in my tummy, books, kisses, bacon... the list goes on and on. And of course, the real number one on every list, the God who has given me every thing worth being grateful for. My gratitude to Him encompasses my gratitude and joy in everything else, to a point that I have no words to express it. 

And I guess that's why we named this blog "The Best Things in Life". We don't have a lot of money right now, but that hasn't stopped us from having joy. And while yes, you do have to have money to maintain good things such as health and families and whatnot, the things that make them most beautiful and valuable have nothing to do with the money. "Every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters, and he that hath no money; come ye, buy, and eat; yea, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price." (Isaiah 55:1) The best things in life are free, my friends, and I feel so blessed to be able to say that we have them.


Oh, and here are some pictures for the grandparents. I hear they like that sort of thing.

A few weeks ago we were outside playing, but we thought it was too cold to fill Laurel's little pool up. Apparently she had different opinions, as she stripped her clothes off and tried her best to sit in a bowl of water we had let her play in.

Daddy and Laurel at the playground... d'awww...

"

"Drive! Drive!" - Laurel

Inappropriate Question

Those of you who know me well enough to follow my blog probably already know that I have kind of a weird/bordering on inappropriate sense of humor. Those of you who know my family well know exactly where it came from. Anyway, I generally try to keep my most ridiculous thoughts to myself, but sometimes I really really really want to make snarky/bizarre comments, especially on Facebook.

There is one question, just one, that no matter how many times I stop myself from asking I still get the urge to post a few weeks later. And I can't resist it any longer. So I figured that, since my blog has a more limited audience than Facebook, this is as safe as it gets. So here's my inappropriate question:

What the heck does Jabba the Hutt get out of watching humanoid women dance in sexy costumes for him? Does the guy even have sex organs? And if he does, I mean... can they be used in conjunction with said women? Because if they can't, but these women somehow turn him on anyway, it seems like that would just be sexual torture for him, right? And why do they turn him on? Is it some social aspect of his world, in which human men seem to be somewhat dominant, that because human women are considered the most desirable to the most prominent members of society, his pleasure is derived from a social construct rather than from the fact that these women are actually attractive to his species? Is it all about having power over humans? Would that be considered zoophilia, or does that term not apply to species on somewhat equal intellectual levels?

I realize, of course, that the primary reason that humanoid women are used as sex symbols in Return of the Jedi is because the viewers are going to be human, but I still can't watch that movie without being totally weirded out by the fact that everyone else isn't just as weirded out as me.

Seriously, people, how does this not freak you out???

Some Thoughts on my Education

Backstory: When Erik and I fell in love four years ago (awww...) he was already signed up for the MCAT and on track to start medical school in the fall of 2009. I, on the other hand, was planning to graduate from BYU in the summer of 2010. Because his medical degree was more important to our future livelihood than was my BA in humanities (and he'd already put all kinds of money into applying), we made the wise decision to leave BYU before I graduated. So I crammed all my hardest classes into my last few semesters, endured a tear-filled month of newly-wedded separation, and left BYU with a measly twelve credits of online classes between me and that diploma.

I figured I'd finish those credits that fall while Erik completed his first semester of medical school. Then we started realizing how poor we were, and I got a job. Then I got pregnant (intentional) and felt really, really sick (not intentional). I think I finished three credits by the end of the year. At that point, I realized that my plans had changed. I also realized that this was ok, because hey, what do you do with a BA in humanities, anyway (other than be more educated, which was my primary intention with my undergrad to start with)?

Well, it ended up taking me another two years. (And just to prove that I didn't spend those two years picking my nose, I will mention that I also held a job, had a very traumatizing birthing experience, learned to be a mom, moved three times, kept house, and had a life.) And when we returned home from Oregon in late January, this was waiting on our doorstep:

WAIT, I DID ALL THAT WORK FOR A STUPID PIECE OF PAPER!???

Well, apparently that piece of paper is important to some people, which is supposed to make it important to me... but that's another discussion altogether.

For me, the diploma is less a reward for the work I did and more a symbol of the real reward, which is the expansion of my knowledge and understanding. I really do value education, and I learned and grew a lot because of my BYU experience.

My favorite classes were of course my humanities, history, and art classes, but I also gained a much greater understanding of some of the sciences (but not math. I avoided math altogether because it is evil). Some of my greatest college epiphanies? When I realized in a sociology class that I am a feminist. When I read one of my favorite Roman authors in the original Latin. When, in a humanities capstone course, I had a moment of realization regarding just how extensively my world view is structured by my environment, and how many more options there are than had ever occurred to me. In another humanities capstone course, when my studies of the Reformation gave me an entirely different perspective on Christianity and made me realize just how important the origins of my own religion are. When a history class changed my perspective about my role as a woman and as a mother. And when I spent four months in Jerusalem, heard the prayer call for the first time, and fell in love with the Middle East and its history. All of these, and many more, are precious experiences that I will treasure and draw upon for the rest of my life.

So where from here? Well, I've realized that I'm much more capable of keeping my home in order when I'm not also focusing on graduating. I've started to build some things for fun (I got a saw for Christmas!). While I will certainly never attain the level of cutesy craftiness that many homemakers I know manage, my house is looking more organized and homey, which I do appreciate. But despite my more full-time dedication to being a stay at home mom, I have a strong desire to continue my education, even if I don't get a piece of paper for the learning I do on my own. I've had more time to read books of my choosing, and I want to create more art. Someday... someday I want to get more formal education. I'm afraid the hardest part will be choosing what to pursue first... my humanities undergrad made me realize just how many subjects I am passionate about! But in the meantime, I'll be doing my best to keep an open mind and study the things I love in greater depth. Thanks, BYU, for teaching me to love my education.

Oh yeah, and thanks for the stupid piece of paper, too.

A day in Butte Falls, Oregon

As some of you know, we got to spend Christmas in Oregon. Erik only got one day off for the holiday, however, so the only way we could arrange spending it on the other side of the country was to schedule a four-week medical rotation somewhere nearby. Unfortunately, nearby ended up being four and a half hours away in Medford, so each week Erik would drive down on Sunday evening and back to Portland on Friday night. One week Laurel and I decided to go with him, which was mostly boring while he was at work, (I may or may not have watched every episode of Firefly on Netflix despite my adamant dislike of TV) but lots of fun when he was around. The best was the day Laurel and I got to join him on a little road trip to the town of Butte Falls, Oregon for a service project.

Butte Falls is a little town consisting of about four blocks and four hundred people. Because it's so out of the way, people have to drive pretty far for any sort of medical treatment, which is why we were there--Erik has a scholarship with the National Health Service Corps, an organization that tries to encourage primary care doctors to work in under-served areas. Erik's rotation was set up and paid for by the NHSC, and part of the deal was a service project, in this case helping to set up a community health center that just opened in Butte Falls. We had a great time exploring the town and getting a glimpse of one possibility for our future (in exchange for paying for his medical school, Erik will have to serve in an NHSC-approved area for three years).

First we went to the community health center, where we helped put some furniture together and met the PA and the nurses working there. After that we went around town handing out flyers and answering questions about the new health center.

The tiny high school was the center of the town:
The town bar on the left where Laurel and I waited while Erik handed out flyers inside. Laurel wanted to pet all the nice doggies chained up in the back of pickups and barking rabidly behind fences. But I just didn't think these german shepherds and pit bulls were going to be so nice as the dogs she's used to in suburbia...

We stopped at a little playground for Laurel, and she went nuts on the slide--that girl is a real thrill-seeker!

Mt. Mcloughlin from Main street.

Post office, town hall, diner, general store. That's the business sector of Butte Falls.
We heard the diner had some incredible burgers so we stopped in. The food was indeed delicious, and the locals friendly. My favorite thing (which I unfortunately failed to take a picture of) was that on the wall of the diner there were maybe a hundred mugs hanging on hooks above a coffee machine. "Billy Joe, Erma, Rob, Mayor Rob, Jim"--each mug had a name on it, and people would come in, take their respective mug off its hook and fill it up, sit down, and chat with whoever happened to be nearby.

I don't think Erik and I want to live in a town that small permanently, but we have really fallen in love with our little place on the outskirts of town overlooking a farm... and well, I think we might enjoy an even more rural adventure for just a few years. We'll let you know when we figure it out!

Multimedia Update

Just some random Wiglama moments to fill the blog update void...

We put up our Christmas tree the other day, which Laurel of course loved. It's been an effort to keep her from ripping all the ornaments off, though :)

Dancing to the Messiah...

We finally figured out why the birds stopped coming to our feeder:

Laurel has been learning a lot over the last few months, most of it involving bigger and better ways to get up to mischievous pursuits. She realized that she can push chairs around the house and with them reach previously unattainable heights, to the detriment of everything we once thought was safe in our home.

Laurel also likes to dumpster dive. Here she is with two of her prizes to show off:

"Hey Mom, can I help you make the Thanksgiving rolls? Thanks, I'll eat all the dough now."

"Uh oh, Mom caught me trying to measure the amount of water contained in our toilet..."

And here's another cute video:

For Halloween we dressed as Marc Antony, Cleopatra, and a butterfly. Now, you may be tempted to think, "what does a butterfly have to do with the other two costumes?" But it works, because we all dressed as monarchs. Ha ha...

We (once more) moved to a new ward, so we're working to get to know people again. Laurel just stood there the whole time looking around at all the unfamiliar faces. We felt the same way, even if we didn't show it so obviously. *Sigh*... moving.

In other news, I finally finished my BYU degree! Hooray! It's been sucking up a lot of time these last few months, and it feels so good to be done! I look forward to continuing my education through personally-motivated studies, however.

Also, today Erik and I have been married three years AND Laurel is 18 months old. Time sure does fly when you're having fun :) Life has its ups and downs, but all in all I am so grateful to be a mom, and so happy to be Erik's wife. It feels good to look back and be happy with the decisions that I have made, and to know that while other paths may have been easier or involved more money, I have never regretted what I have chosen. I am happy, and I don't think anything else could have made me happier.

- Rebecca (not actually Erik)